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Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity [...]
Share[caption id="attachment_429" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Paddle Faster, I Hear Banjos"]
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[caption id="attachment_433" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="I\'ve Got Your Back!"]
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[caption id="attachment_425" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Amish Gone Wild"]
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[caption id="attachment_426" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Cleverly Disguised As An Adult"]
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[caption id="attachment_427" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="I Don\'t Skinny Dip, I Chunky Dunk"]
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[caption id="attachment_428" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Fat People Are Hard To Kidnap"]
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[caption id="attachment_430" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="Contrary To Belief, Nobody Owes You Anything"]
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[caption id="attachment_431" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="I\'m In No Shape To Exercise"]
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[caption id="attachment_432" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="I Should Come With A Warning Label"]
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One morning, three South Georgia good ol’ boys and three Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
“How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?” asked one of the Yankees.
“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from the South.
When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, “Tickets, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
“Watch and learn,” answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket please.”
ShareOur teacher asked us what our favorite animal was. I said, “fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too – especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
ShareONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 10 or 20 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.
“You don’t?” I replied.
“We only have six, ten, or twenty,” was the reply.
“So, I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”
“That’s right.”
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?”
I said to her, “I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”
She said, “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number. So she was using the ATM “thingy.”
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”
“Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.
“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk…”
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”
“Just use paper from the photocopier,” the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.
(Brunette, by the way!)
SIX
A mother calls 9-1-1 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room – the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.
The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer…”
Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!
ShareSince more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for an STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.
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How do you know you’re too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and realize its the air freshener hanging from the mirror.
ShareOn my way home the other night I was stopped by the police. It was close to midnight.
The Policeman asked me where I was going.
I advised him that I was on my way to hear a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.
The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”
“My wife,” I replied.
ShareA “paraprosdokian” is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing…
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