Organized Clutter

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing…

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me…

Three friends go out hunting. One of them is a genius, another a pretty smart guy and the last is a complete idiot.

The genius goes out hunting for a couple of hours and comes back with a HUGE buck. The other 2 friends are standing there, and they say, “Wow, how did you catch that!?”

The genius replies, “Well I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and I shot it.” …

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles often begins with a broken fan belt or a slow puncture.
• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it…

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband. “It is 3 o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers…

• A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest…

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” …

• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a “near miss”? Shouldn’t it be called a “near hit”?
• What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
• Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? …

• When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
• Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
• Why do “tug” boats push their barges? …