One day, Mrs. Dillon received the following letter from the department store’s management:

Dear Mrs. Dillon,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from all of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Dillon are listed below.

• June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
• July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in the Housewares department to go off at 5-minute intervals.
• July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies’ rest rooms.
• July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “Code 3″ in housewares… and watched what happened.
• August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.
• September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
• September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they’ll bring pillows from the bedding department.
• September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
• October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
• November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
• December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
• December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
• December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
• December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!”
• December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!”

Thank you.

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic downturn has had a negative impact on sales; but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten-percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

“How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?” asked one of the Yankees.

“Watch and learn,” answered one of the boys from the South.

When the six travelers boarded the train, the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the bathroom door and said, “Tickets, please.” The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the three Southerners didn’t buy even one ticket.

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

“Watch and learn,” answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the three Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the three Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee’s bathroom. He knocked on the door and said, “Ticket please.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too – especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”

Guess where I am now…

Maybe they shouldn't sit next to each other.

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 10 or 20 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.

“You don’t?” I replied.

“We only have six, ten, or twenty,” was the reply.

“So, I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”

“That’s right.”

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.

After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “divider”, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, “Do you know how much this is?”

I said to her, “I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.”

She said, “OK,” and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number. So she was using the ATM “thingy.”

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”

“Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked.

“No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk…”

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use paper from the photocopier,” the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five “blank” copies.

(Brunette, by the way!)

SIX

A mother calls 9-1-1 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room – the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine.

The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer…”

Dispatcher: “Rush him in to emergency!”

Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!

If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

• ATD: At The Doctor’s
• BFF: Best Friend Farted
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin
• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
• GHA: Got Heartburn Again
• HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
• IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?
• LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
• LOL: Living On Lipitor>/li>
• LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
• OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
• OMSG: Oh My – Sorry, Gas
• ROTFL – ACGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
• SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
• TTYL: Talk To You Louder
• WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
• WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
• WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
• WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
• GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In